Somedays living with the stigma/cloud of mental illness really, really sucks. Having been diagnosed with Dysthymia & Generalized Anxiety Disorder during my first inpatient stint back in January 2007 wasn't enough, apparently. The assumption of Borderline Personality Disorder was discussed during my second stint in August 2007, but no official diagnosis was made with that. However, an ex "friend" first decided I was BPD back my senior year in college. I'm trying to take her opinion with a grain of salt though, because she was... let's just say, the situation didn't end pleasantly, and while I've admitted my wrongdoing, she never has, and it's been almost 8 years. She won't talk to me, and blocks me on Facebook. But I digress...
I have been on A LOT of medications since just before my first inpatient treatment. Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Remeron, Abilify... just to name a few. Right now my cocktail is Wellbutrin & Zoloft in the morning, and Remeron at night, and Ativan throughout the day if I need it. But even that load of drugs doesn't always help with the feeling alone, feeling left out, having no friends, being homesick. It doesn't help with the whole being jealous when looking at someone's Instagram profile & seeing that they went out & didn't bother to include me. Technically 'knowing' this person since she was born, but not really knowing-knowing her until about a week ago doesn't give me the right to just assume that I should be included in every little thing since she's in town. It doesn't give me the right to be jealous because she's got family in town & I have a 98-year-old Grandmother in a nursing home. It doesn't give me the right to mope around feeling sorry for myself because I have no friends. Like at all. Do I *know* people around town? Sure. But would they consider me their friend? Not sure. I've job-hopped and secluded myself (Hello, Anxiety. Afraid of going out, being with people, meeting new people, doing something I've never done before, afraid of getting made fun of, anxious about the unknown, etc. And then HELLO, Depression. Sad that I'm all alone and no one wants to hang out with me. Hello, vicious, vicious circle of my life.) so much that I have no friends in this town. I've lived up here for 4 years now and still no friends. My mom tells me to get involved in activities at my church. Trouble is, there aren't any activities for my age group. Sure, there is choir, or bell choir, and I'm sure there are any number of Bible studies, but with people in their 20s & 30s? Don't get me wrong, I love my church, but their lack of activities for people my age is incredibly disheartening. They advertise for something called 'Project F-M', but that is a city-wide thing and not directly associated with my church in any way. The aforementioned recipient of my Instagram stalking & subsequent jealous, upset, frustrated, depressing post (P.S. if you're reading this, I'm sorry. But maybe this post can explain my behavior a little better.) of my own on Instagram & depressing texts suggested going church shopping to find a new one. Trouble is, I LOVE mine. It was where my Grandparents were married back in 1944. It is super Lutheran traditional, which I love, and they do not use those ugly screen monstrosities (in the Sanctuary at least). I don't want to go church shopping.
But I desperately need to meet people, or I may go crazier than I already am. A conundrum.
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