Where do I even begin?
When I got the e-mail from Amanda & Laura congratulating me on my day 100, & asking if I wanted to, to write a blog post or tell my story about my journey thus far, I wasn't sure I even wanted to. Was it because when I was first asked by my [second] cousin Carrie to join her in this challenge, I didn't want to do it at all? She was one of the first people to know that I had joined a gym back in November, and had even registered for my first 5K (May 9). But I was hesitant to sign up. But she didn't give up on me. :) She kept asking, & finally I said okay. It happened to be a weekend that Amanda was visiting Carrie & they were both equally excited I finally gave in! Haha! But I'm glad Carrie didn't give up on me. So to you, thank-you.
At times all I counted for workouts was walking thru a store grocery shopping. I wanted to give up so many times. But I knew that if I gave up, & didn't count the days that I'd been power walking in Wal-Mart or Target, that I likely wouldn't start back up, no matter how much loving pestering I received. SOOOOO... I counted it. And yet, at times, I don't know how much difference 100 days made. I don't feel like I lost any weight, I still feel disgustingly fat, and I'm not happy with myself most days. At times, I felt disheartened because no one liked my posts on Instagram, or commented, and my anxiety/depression reared its ugly head & made me think that's because I wasn't important enough, and as an extension of that, I must not be doing a very good job at this whole "working out thing." I've blogged about my struggles with depression, self-harm, anxiety, etc. before, and I will be the first to admit that has a lot to do with why I don't feel like, at times, that this journey was worth it.
But then I start thinking...
... would I have actually gone thru with the 5K if I hadn't been working out this consistently?
... would I think twice about having a second portion of food, when one is enough?
... how many times a day did I need to take an Ativan or Nerve Tonic before, and how many times a day do I need to do that now?
... would I be able to fit into a size smaller jeans now, that I've actually had in my closet for 10 months but never been able to wear, if I'd not been working out?
... would I do everything in my power to try to get my parentals to do yoga with me when they were here over Mother's Day weekend (my pestering didn't work. they didn't join in.) if I hadn't been working out so much?
... would I be wanting to try out new workout classes at my gym?
... would I be joining various programs at my gym that count how many miles one bikes, walks, runs, etc.?
... would I be excited to order running shoes & gym socks online?
I think the positives outweigh the misgivings I have had, and likely will continue to have. I likely will always never feel like I'm good enough. I will likely never be happy with the number I see on the scale, or the body I see reflecting back at me in the mirror. Or maybe I will?! How do I know if I don't try? I've even signed up for Run or Dye on June 28th, and got my sister to join me for it! Hoorah! I've also registered for the 5K in the Fargo Mini Marathon October 11th, so that I have something to continue to work towards. I know myself, and if I didn't have something to train for - even if it is 'just' a 5K - I wouldn't think that there's any point to working out at all. I need to see a goal in my future, something to plan for.
And as for my future with #WorkItOut100? I start Round 2 tomorrow! I have goals that I'll be working towards, and I know that the positives WILL outweigh my misgivings or anxieties, and I WILL come out of the second round an even better #wio100warrior!
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